Yeah girl, of course cash money baby's condo has a hot tub
Hooray, you had a child! The miracle of life, sprung forth from your fruitful loins, to carry on your bloodline. Look everyone, how cute that baby is, and so smart too.
Of course, you will realize soon enough, that babies spend all their time alternating between filling diapers with loose stool and crying. Sleep? Money? Forget those. Shit, you'll soon think, this drooling dumbass, better start earning his keep.
Most parents don't reach this epiphany. Most keep on raising their children, letting them do whatever they want. One day it's a skateboard, the next it is little league, the next it is basketball; all wasted time and opportunity. Fuck that. You need to focus on one activity and push the kid mercilessly in this pursuit. Sure, they may resent you when they are young, but they will appreciate it when they are rich and famous. And most importantly, a good chunk of that money will be yours!
Now, choose the path to sports millions wisely. The sad fact is, your kid probably isn't athletic but he wants to be a star quarterback or homerun hitting shortstop. Crush those over-saturated, pipe-dreams and focus on something realistic. Here is a handy list of the easiest ways to turn your baby into a sports gravy train.
KnuckleBall Pitcher
Tim Wakefield is like 100 and he is still in the MLB.
The knuckleball, an unhittable gem of a pitch. Unfortunately, it certainly isn't a glamour pitch, most kids would prefer to throw gas or a hammer curve. Fortunately, it doesn't require freakish athletic ability - as most things on this list will have in common - it just requires practice. So get that kid out there all day everyday learning this pitch. It doesn't matter how you earn that contract, just that they do. Because pitcher's salaries are the tits.
Punter
Nobody notices him, but he collects a decent paycheck.
Another sparsely traveled route into a major professional sport. Your kid will want to be the running back or linebacker. Hell no, every other snot-nosed pee-wee player wants that. Plus, have you seen how fast those assholes are? Pull that kid aside and have him spend all day punting. The salary isn't outstanding, but the injury risk is low and the career life-span is outstanding.
American Male Tennis Star
Another first round exit?!?
This one is tough because it does require a good deal of athletic ability. It makes the list because of the sparse number of competitors. For the last decade Andy Roddick has been America's biggest star. That guy sucks. He has won only ONE major tournament in his career. He loses in the early rounds of so many tournaments, I think his coach might be Norv Turner. Your kid can be better than this, I don't care if he is one-legged.
Best of all it is an easy sell. Just hang this picture all throughout the house.
Hubba Hubba
Bowling
Be like Big Earn
Not really a sport and not all that lucrative. This is sort of a compromise if you try everything else on the list and your kid totally sucks at it all. Probably still a decent living, but not going to outfit you in the finest linens and fill your mansion with gold-plated toilets. So probably not the best route. Forget this one, unless your kid is a real lost cause.
Golf
Father son time that is actually going to pay off.
The best real life example, of the benefits of forcing sports greatness on your child. Tiger Woods was ridden to achieve from an early age. Tiger beat the odds through his unwavering dedication and became the richest man in sports. Look how good his life has turned out because of it. Not a care in the world, just basking in a life of opulence and adoration. Your child could be the next Tiger Woods. You better hit the links.
Coach
Dur, I never win anywhere I go, yet I keep getting new million dollar contracts.
Another concession once you've realized your mongoloid child is so appallingly unathletic, that no amount of practice will make a difference. In this case though, the coaching profession can be very lucrative. The best part about coaching is the incestual, tight-knit, nature of the whole operation. Once you're in the inner-circle, no amount of slipshod coaching, will end your career. The same bad coaches keep getting recycled, and everyone is happy collecting million dollar paychecks. Look at Joe Paterno, that guy is incontinent on national TV and Penn State keeps running him out there. Get that kid designing Cover 2 formations stat.
Snowboarding
Get that little daredevil out there
Snowboarding is another sport that requires athleticism and innate ability. Your kid does have one big leg up though, he is fearless and has pliable bones. Get him on the slopes, trying 720's and 20 foot airs, out of the half-pipe, at a young age and he will have a big head-start on the competition. Broken bones and scars add character anyways.
Gaming
Are you tired Johnny? Here have some more Mountain Dew.
Professional gaming is becoming more and more mainstream and profitable. Synergistically, kids already love video games. This avenue will probably require the least pushing of anything on this list. Perfect. Just don't drone on like all those overly involved parents about "going outside" and "getting fresh air." Instead draw the shades and bring in plates of pizza rolls, taquitos and energy drinks; while your wonderful child, gains valuable Halo experience.
Nascar
Everyone can drive a car, just make your child do it fastest.
Again, not really a sport, but I'll allow it for this discussion. Big money in Nascar and all that little punk of yours needs to do is drive his car faster and more recklessly, than his competition. Have you ever seen teenagers drive? They are naturally inclined to racing, because they are too dumb to understand the repercussions of a crash and too irresponsible to care. Now start your child on F-1 go-karts at the age of 5 and watch how good they get at driving 200 mph.
Fringe Sport of the Future
Probably should have a couple kids if you go this route. You know, just in case.
Just 20 years ago; snowboarding, skateboarding and motocross, were fringe hobbies, barely in the realm of public awareness. Now they are the fastest growing sports around and the darlings of children the world over. Be a trailblazer and identify the fringe sport of the future. If your kid is the first at something, they don't even have to be the best at it. Just choose wisely, I'd hate to see you waste tens of thousands on wing-suits, with no eventual pay-off. That is even worse than just letting your child grow up to become an accountant.
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