How could you break this angel's heart?
I knew even before the Spain versus Paraguay contest today, that I would be rooting for Paraguay, or more accurately rooting against Spain. What I didn't anticipate is the numerous reasons I would find to reinforce my anti-Spain stance over the 94 minutes of drama filled soccer, which ended in a 1-0 Spanish victory. Now my dislike, originally based on the flimsiest of reasons, has become a fully flushed out cause that I would like to convert followers to join.
To begin, I was rooting against Spain because it is the country that created the NBA's most unabashedly despicable flopper, disgusting marshmallow Pau Gasol. A man so filthy and hygienically deficient that a hobo would be hesitant to share his refrigerator box home with him for fear of the lingering smell that would be left behind. Yes I am pettily routing against a country because a man that was born there plays for the Los Angeles Lakers. Yes I am proud of that. No, YOU should get a grip.
I learned today that my instinctual dislike of Spain was justified for many reasons. I can't stand their pretty boy star, David Villa and his date rapist soul patch. I was offended by Sergio Ramos' girl hair, and while I'm glad he wasn't seriously injured, I think it is funny that he got kicked in the face. Spain's lax national attitude, copious amounts of vacation time and afternoon siestas offend my hardworking American sensibilities. I scoff at manager, Vincente Del Bosque's trademark trenchcoat. Way to steal your look from Inspector Gadget, you asshat. I abhor the flopping. Basically, I've come to learn that the Spanish National soccer team is unlikeable in every way and can only be respected by serial killer enthusiasts and snuff film connoisseurs.
On top of all the irredeemable qualities look what Spain did today, crushing the hopes of Paraguay. Poor, landlocked, impoverished Paraguay; a tiny nation of only 6.3 million people. Paraguay had managed to battle its way to the quarterfinals and were it not for a missed penalty kick, may have advanced to the semifinals. Spain cruelly ruled over Paraguay's indigenous people until 1811, they couldn't make amends by letting the national soccer team advance and bring a spot of national pride to the people of Paraguay?
Perhaps most contemptibly Spain's victory likely made Paraguay soccer fan Larissa Riquelme cry. Pictured above, Riquelme is a beautiful angel bestowed upon the world during the World Cup. Her innovative cell phone placement has made her a minor but deserved internet celebrity over the past month. Only a group of monsters driven by black souls, overflowing with evil, would dare crush the dreams of such a sweet paragon of virtue. Riquelme even promised to run naked through the streets, painted in the red, white and blue of Paraguay; had they managed to win the World Cup trophy. Thanks for c-blocking us all Spain. Dickheads.
Spain plays Germany in the semifinals and I hope they get crushed as should you. If the reasons listed above haven't turned you against this global menace I think it might be time to take a long, hard look at yourself in the mirror, because you sir are officially no better than a terrorist.
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